Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the conscious decision to let go and move on from an experience or person that has caused you pain, anger, or sadness. Forgiveness is the act of pardoning an offender. In the Bible, the Greek word translated “forgiveness” literally means “to let go,” as when a person does not demand payment for a debt.

As kids, I recall, when we fought, we were told to shake hands and say sorry to one another and end the matter there. We were never taught to talk about our feelings or learn how our actions impacted another. In all probability, we kept repeating the behavior. As adults, we are often able to analyze how our actions impact others or the impact their actions have on us. It is a choice to either stay wounded or forgive and move on. And it does not come easy.

What Forgiveness does not mean is:

Condoning the other person’s actions or saying what they did was ok.: Making excuses for a bully or bad behavior, is definitely not forgiveness.

Sweeping it under the carpet or acting like it never happened. Forgiveness certainly does not mean being a doormat and allowing yourself to be treated badly. Being in denial of being abused is only you not standing up for yourself.

Allowing yourself to be taken advantage of: The more you accept the more you will get. If you accept crap, you will get heaps of it. If you have boundaries and accept what is worthy of you, you will get the respect you rightfully deserve in your life.

Being besties with the person again: When we have undergone really hurtful experiences with someone, it does not mean that we have to go back to what once was. We all change and evolve and sometimes certain experiences warrant that we keep our distance from people who inflict pain on us repeatedly or cause us deep harm.

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting, it is remembering without pain.”

We can look at an incident as a one-off situation where the person had his/her own stressors that caused him/her to behave in a certain manner or if the situation repeats itself often enough to see it as a pattern with no learning and change. And we are responsible for the action we take. Our ego gets bruised or offended than our soul in most situations. For the soul looks with compassion. Forgiveness is about being able to let go of the pain and heal the wounds and move forward to stand up to a more whole and complete you.

By looking into a situation, where we have been wounded, we can also allow ourselves to see objectively the part we have played and how we allowed it. I have realized I often keep quiet when someone says or does something mean to me. The reason is I never expect it and I am often left gobsmacked. I feel like kicking myself later for not standing up for myself or even calling out the behavior.

When we let go of emotions and experiences that do not serve us, we reclaim our power to be ourselves. We disallow the person or incident to dominate our thoughts and actions. We do not have to go out and be BFFs once again. It only means that their actions have no control over you. And letting go does not mean suppressing it. That’s like putting a band-aid on a wound that needs deeper care. If we ignore it, it will probably fester into something more toxic. And as for anything to heal, we need to heal from within. And that comes from knowing what actions/words hurt us and why. It often leads to deeper healing.

“True forgiveness is being able to say, thank you for that experience.” — Oprah Winfrey.

What are the effects of holding onto the anger and not letting go?

We stay consumed with anger and it clouds our perspective. We tend to carry it along into every situation and relationship.

We become so consumed playing the victim, that we feel helpless.

We stay stuck in the past and cannot enjoy the present.

We carry a weight with us that can lead to depression and anxiety.

We miss out on great opportunities and relationships because we stay stuck in the pain of past wounds.

We lose hope and can’t see the joy in anything.

We want to bring everyone down around us to match our feelings and vibrations.

“Forgive people in your life, even those who are not sorry for their actions, or even deny them. Holding onto to anger only hurts you not them.”

How do we forgive?

Forgiveness takes time. Time for you to process your emotions, the experience, and time to release what does not serve you. It all depends on the individual.

The more attention you give the wound, the more likely you are to stay in a victim mode. When you are in victim mode, you are helpless. The question to ask yourself is, how did this incident hurt me? What is the learning for me in this situation? What can I do to move forward?

We forgive by letting go of vengeful thoughts and wanting to get back at the person. We can rest well in the knowledge that God or the Universe or karma will take of it.

Forgiveness is a choice. A choice that benefits you more than the offender. By forgiving a person you are releasing the control he/she has over you.

You know when you have forgiven someone when you wish them no ill will. When you can actually pray for them to find their light. And when you remember them or the incident, it no longer causes you pain or anger. There is no charge left in it. You are able to accept that it happened and it did cause you grief when it did and now you have moved on.

There are incidents where we feel guilty about our actions and calls for forgiving ourselves too. To acknowledge, own, and learn from our mistakes is imperative. To make better choices and not to repeat and offend others again, makes it easier to forgive ourselves and move forward.

“You will only begin to heal when you let go of past hurts, forgive those who have wronged you, and learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes.”

How does forgiving benefit us?

To rise up and acknowledge your higher self and get in touch with your spirituality.

It makes you feel free and lighter, which in turn helps you focus on the things that are important for your well-being.

It enables you to have better relationships.

To be more productive as a person.

You tend to be happier and more joyful when the anger and pain are released.

Your physical and psychological health improves.

You view everything more positively.

You take back control of your emotions and wellbeing by not letting others' actions control you.

You find compassion and understanding.

Forgiveness is the most powerful thing you can do for yourself. If you can’t learn to forgive, you can forget about achieving true success in your life. -Wayne Dyer.